Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in zingibar's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
5:42 pm	The mountain of bullshit I seem to have caused a fiasco at work. All I really did wrong was to leave early, which seeing that there were almost no kids and lots of teachers, should have been completely fine. Yes I suppose I should have checked with the boss, but honestly, it's not like they're actually at school more than a couple of hours a day. It's just the crushing reality that I've been in this job for three years without any kind of promotion or increased responsibilities (even though I work my ass off and do all kinds of extra shit like organizing planning meetings among my coworkers) and that they will never actually trust us do just do our jobs. I've had several arguments with one particular boss this year, primarily stemming from collective frustration amongst the teachers at the over-management/non-management which goes all the time. For example, every notice which is given to the parents in Czech should ideally be posted on the teacher's board in English. Ideally. We should ideally be briefed on what to do when a non-parent/stranger comes to collect a child (as this is a really serious safety issue) but all we get is, "just call us". It's always been a chaotic workplace, but having another location has only increased the lack of things we need/presence of bosses tenfold. Now when something we're looking for is not to be found, we can assume they've taken it to the new school. Obviously, when I sit down and talk to my bosses I'm going to merely apologize. I've really pissed Nikola off by "disrespecting" her and at this point I just need to make peace, but it's brought up a lot of shit in my head over this job as well as how I've changed. I've been making a serious effort this fall to stand up for myself, to be really direct with people and tell them what I think. (This is why I've gotten into three or four arguments with Nikola already.) For the most part, the results have been really positive. I've seen some changes implemented that needed to be. I've dealt with people in my life (not just at work) in a way that has lead to a higher level of mutual respect. I've averted a couple of situations that deal with passive-aggressivity (always a problem for me, particularly in relationships), and I managed to tell my bassist that I was completely ready and comfortable with him leaving the band and didn't particularly want to leave the door open for him to walk back in. On the other hand, the part of me that used to get violently angry at all the injustice in the world (not just in my world) seems to have laid down and taken a long nap. To some extent it's a necessary change. I can proofread a dissertation about Islamic human rights which tells me that homosexuality is a sin and how the only disagreement within the branches of Islam is how severe the punishment should be and not want to punch the person who wrote it. I can work in a blatantly sexist situation where the boys will always be favoured and understand that there is a huge amount of residual cultural sexism here. But now I'm riled. It won't solve anything to go in there blazing tomorrow. I was in the wrong, to some extent. This is not the time to bring up the other wrongs. But if I don't bring them up, where will they go? The calmer me is not calm to the core. It WILL come out. The mountain of injustice is getting hungrier. It will come out or it will eat me. Right now, there's too much at stake. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
6:41 pm	haunting It's been an intense August. Traveling and living on the fly makes me a little uneasy, but then coming home feels so sweet. I've made it my goal to try out many new home-y things this fall; baking different types of bread, sprouting seeds and grains, transcribing my recipes. It's not that I've stopped writing over the past couple of years, but more that I've been focused on living and constantly adjusting to a new and strange environment. If it's possible to spend three years processing (and I can't begin to describe the internal changes that moving alone to a new country provoke) and then vomit the results onto the page, it looks like that is the direction it's heading in. I'm excited to be more settled. I think the words need to come now. Last week I learned that an old friend committed suicide. It's a mystery to me. I can't pretend that I've never had passing thoughts of it myself, but to actually carry it out. It's so pathetic, yet so selfish. I'm not close to this man; haven't been for years, but it still hurts to know that he had gotten to the point where that was the only viable option. It's a very different feeling than when I learned Frank had been shot. That was brutal, violent, infuriating. It was easy to take the unfairness of the situation; the sheer dumb irony of one of the most gentle people on the planet being killed in such a manner and find fuel in the rage. The only time in my life I made it to the top of Negley Avenue hill on my bicycle was the night of his wake. I couldn't drink the feeling away, so I went to the place it had happened and beat up the pavement for awhile. But this is different. I'm not in a place to know what happened. I'm literally too far away to have been there. I know that this was a troubled man, who for many years engaged in self-destructive behavior. So I'm not surprised. Only shocked. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
9:40 pm	blog I've got another blog with Katie of our travels (with lots of pictures) at http://stripwis.blogspot.com/ (Comment on this)
Monday, August 10th, 2009
7:30 am	more mornings I seem to be somewhat loquacious when I'm having these bouts of morning insomnia. I must admit I've been fretting a bit about going to the UK. It's hard to be at ease someplace when you're worried about whether you'll be any more than an inconvenience. I never really thought I'd have it in me to take crap for someone else, but Katie's not going to go home without me, and we're not going to see her mother for any longer than absolutely necessary, and definitely not going to stay with the parents for more than two days, and it's actually important for her to see the rest of her family. Dreaming last about my dad visiting. I owned a car, but had rented it out for the duration of the visit. We were coming back into town after a day's outing, and were waiting at the tram stop when there was suddenly a power outage. There was no moon or ambient light, so the city was thrown into inscrutable, soupy blackness. panicked slightly, and clutched by some vertigo, clung to the nearest car as we attempted to walk up the nearest hill towards home. While doing this, I decided to send a text message to the person who'd rented my car, asking for it back. I quickly got a response, which read, in perfectly imperfect English "YOU SAID YOU COME BACK IN FEB. CAR HAS BIKE RACK." Woke up with my rolling bedside table somewhere around my knees. and that was at 6:00. Good morning. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 3rd, 2009
10:40 pm	Zombie Sinuses I have the sinus infection of the living dead. Second time since June, and it feels like both sinuses are infected. It's finally turned into summer here, the rain clearing for a matter of days, not hours, and I'd love to frolic in the sunshine. However, I don't feel very much like frolicking. The Czechs have some stigma about going out in the sun with a sinus infection. Never heard of it before, but it's making me extra paranoid. I feel like running around with a black umbrella and jumping from shadow to shadow. Surely another round of antibiotics will do the trick, but I'd love to be able to avoid putting those kinds of drugs in my body. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
9:16 am	morning rant It's too early for me to be up today, but lying in bed not sleeping just makes all my jumbled worries worse, so I'm up. Then again, it's not all that early. The garbage men are out. Lately I've been more socially awkward than usual. It's difficult to explain. At this point, in this city, I'm just in between everything. Too dorky to be cool, too shy to be a social butterfly, too social to be a homebody, too american to be european, too weird to be normal and on and on and yet somehow not enough invested in the things I want to do and care about to be oblivious to the lot. Somehow I've been existing at this static, semi-public level, working to exhaustion, not finding the time or energy to write or play music as much as would satisfy this hunger. When I left, I felt like I honestly did "want to eat everything in the world" and now, maybe it's just the processing of growing, of sorting and finding and throwing away the excess, but the hunger has sort of faded to vague curiosity. I'm still not sure about cooking school. I'm sure I want to create as my means to live, and this has consistently been a means to do so, but I worry that I'm not competitive or hungry enough to thrive in a ruthless, demanding profession. Maybe it's the idea of a profession that is more scary than the actuality of it. The premeditation of going to school in a year, of knowing approximately where I'll be three years in the future, of having this decision narrow out the other options and point the direction and actually be one step in achieving the larger goal of starting my own place is actually terrifying. Obviously much of the worry is due to not having enough time, an ever-present crutch of mine. Depressed/troubled mind? Just work more. Uncertainty about the future? If you work, you won't have to deal with it now. Dissatisfaction with the present state? The more you work, the less you think, the faster the future will come. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 13th, 2009
4:44 pm	no news is good news Still don't know about next year, but had a lovely holiday in Croatia. Have started new blog to record travels. stripwis.blogspot.com (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
3:13 pm	the next adventure? I've been trying to put it into words for a letter, this feeling. It's as if the city knows I'm leaving, and wants me to change my mind. All these things that have been unsettled for the last year are calming, and I'm able to look through the gray gray skies and be optimistic. It makes me a little anticipatorily wistful, as well, because I know I'll miss this place like hell when I do leave. But leaving it must be. I can't keep putting off doing what I need to do, denying what is obvious, trying all the flavors before settling on one. But then, in a sense, isn't that what I'm doing? Going off to another place to start again, make new connections and get lost in yet another language. If I do end up in the UK (should know by my birthday) it will be another language, another round of visas, another fresh start, though thankfully not alone. And if not? Well that thought isn't really allowed. I'm being careful not to bank on the school thing actually happening. I still need to hear back from two more, and if KT doesn't get the job at the one I've been accepted to, we can't go. It would be foolish to move to the middle of nowhere on uncertain terms. So all I know is that I don't know. And the waiting. The waiting is agonizing. But I've been distracting myself in other ways. We've started playing shows again, and I'm planning several for the spring (actually we've been invited to play a few). Been working on new friends (yes I realize it's stupid to branch out when you have 5 months left). That's part of the feeling. All this isolation I've been feeling is suddenly clearing a bit. Meeting new people, making better connections with people I already know is just necessary. I'd like to have this place to come back to, as a tourist into these people's lives, especially if I'm going to be on the same continent, and I'd like to not feel like living here is an impossibility, which is how (I'm sorry) I still feel about Pittsburgh, that this place has been a positive experience and I needn't leave forever. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
5:27 pm	New Year and Old This year has been a bit of a mixed bag. Some good things; moving in with KT, visiting the States in the summer, getting an Ism demo finished, filling in my knowledge of Czech (or at least my confidence) most importantly, deciding to move on from Prague. Together. Some bad things, too, like the general cynicism and isolation that have permeated much of the past 6 months, feeling too small in a small circle of expats, perpetually wanting more, living with reconstruction, my old co-workers being not really worth the effort (though the new ones are wholly better) and the ease with which I slip into the 'us' while probably forgetting the 'me', and losing contact with the old friends for no good reason. Next year I've decided that there are basically two really important decisions I need to make; school, and what/where/when/how to do it, and music; what does it mean to me, how can I take it in a better and more sustainable direction, make it more of a creation and less of a headache, which is what it's been feeling like lately. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
2:58 pm	No particular reason Just that I haven't written anything here in a few months, and lately have been feeling a little cut off from my Pittsburgh friends, who are as important as ever. Maybe the more places you go the more important it is to just have sacred those places you've left. Now, partially en route to the next destination, I wonder what of Prague I'll keep. Don't worry, settling down is in the plan. But not yet. Not yet. It'll be twice as hard to go anywhere or do anything once this monster of a plan of the restaurant in my head gets born. So consider this getting it out of my system. It's surprisingly quiet today. I'm determined to make the most of my free time and just be alone at home for a couple of hours before teaching again. It's become clear that I need this time weekly. Even if I'm not pressuring myself to practice (though I'd like to), that free time is a worthy pursuit in and of itself. But that's all for now. The new song needs work. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
6:21 pm	lazy sunday it's grayish outside; wintry. we're holed up with a pot of soup making on the stove and wrapped in our pajamas because there's no heat yet, and the workmen have taken an entire wall off of the hallway. have i mentioned that we wake up every morning bar sunday at 7.30 am to the sound of jackhammers? it's extremely relaxing. but the soup, chickeny and seaweedy and full of all the goodness homemade broth is full of, is warding off the colds which inevitably arrive with the change of season. tuesday i fly to london, 5.30 am to spend the hours waiting for the czech embassy to accept my visa and finally be allowed to stay here, before leaving to arrive back in prague at midnight. it's ironic, because we're talking about the next step already. after two years, i've got the kind of visa i can easily renew, and the kind of job they'd prefer i stay at, and all i want to do is move on. we're talking about argentina. i miss cooking, and i still want to open that restaurant. kt can teach english in south america as easily as she can here, and if i enter into a cooking program, i can kill two birds with one stone; getting an education in management (which is my weak point in the kitchen) and do it in spanish which will require the language. i know it's possible to get to a level in something where it's functional, useful, but i think it will help to have an endpoint, a tangible goal to force the process. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 21st, 2008
9:17 am	potatoes I just read this article about potatoes, and how they could potentially feed the world, but how scared all the farmers and scientists are about another potato blight (actually the new, hardier, more chemically-resistant version of the famous Irish/European one which struck in 1845). Instead of exploiting the fact that there are multitudinous varieties of potatoes available, which could be planted and perhaps bred to be hardier/more disease-resistant, the farmers are spraying more and more fungicides and the scientists are trying to genetically engineer potatoes to be more uniform, disease-resistant, and similar enough in size to fit all of the commercial machinery. What is wrong with this world? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
7:08 pm	embarrassing admittance we have been watching the L Word. it's trash, basically soap opera with lesbians, but i worry. is this merely a result of too much time, or is this a signifier of my life going down the drain? i haven't been writing much this year. it has to get quiet in my head. i had to let the narrative voice i was stuck in die off. the songs are coming. the poetry, absolutely not. maybe i'm waiting for to be able to write prose. maybe i don't have anything left to say. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 18th, 2008
5:18 pm	Why aren't you writing? It's too quiet in here. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
7:20 pm	things i miss it was a good trip. nearly everyone was seen, and most everyone was responsive and enthusiastic about entertaining needlessly busy and overwhelmed girls. thanks for that. i was just thinking about the things which i appreciate about america. such as customer service. and international cuisine. and massive amounts of farmers markets and organic food. and driving everywhere. no, wait, that's another list. but to maintain the positive, what goes without saying is all the family (friends too) that ultimately will keep me coming back, no matter where i stray. but it is reassuring to hear czech. it does feel like home here. and despite the dust and work going on in and around our building, it feels like a little comfort zone in the flat. i'm sure we'll create a new home when we leave, but we've not left yet, as much as i may talk about "the next" (place, move, step etc). and in a way, just going along in a tram, or picking up half our groceries from the fruit shop, the bakery, the pharmacy, as opposed to going to one giant place for everything is also good to get back to. my mother makes a serious effort to do just this, but the general attitude of americans is to find convenience, to cut corners, to make the trip in a car, to buy bulk and save, to find the path of least resistance. the attitude is pervasive. i come back here and want to buy things; i want to continue on this comfortable vacation lifestyle; i don't want to get back to the daily grind. thankfully its only the 7th of august and i don't really have to. but...i have to do the other work, the practicing and writing new songs, setting up shows, making plans!, researching this oft-discussed next move, get to know our new neighborhood and its shortcuts and little shops, its personality. that's all for now. just appreciating being home, and appreciating having left. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 5th, 2008
10:33 am	countdown 3 days into a 5.5 day school trip. In the middle of the mountains, in a very "retro" ski lodge, with 21 children, only 5 of whom are sick, 4 small blond girls in my room, only 1 of whom snores like a train (how can a tiny 4yr old make that much noise?), with 5 teachers, all looking more and more harried as the week goes on, with the ridiculously vegetable-free Czech cuisine and the very hard and lumpy bunk beds. But it's only 2 days to moving! Katie will start tomorrow without me, possibly borrowing a shopping cart from the local Tesco (as trashy and evil as Wal-mart, but the only actual grocery store in the neighborhood) and getting some extra hands to move her bed and stuff, since her flat is walking distance from the new one. We'll deal with as much of my stuff as I can on Sunday, by public transport or by cab. I've just decided that I don't actually have anyone I'm comfortable enough with to ask, which is normal since very few people have cars here, and no one I really know...so my tables and textbooks will go in a cab. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 25th, 2008
1:14 pm	stuck on it The thing about being involved with someone is that you have to take them into account when you make plans. For so long, I didn't let myself get stuck to anyone, and now I am, and the truth is that I love it, but then I think, "well, how independent are you now?" I've gone all soft. Probably I will never stop needing my space, my Selena Time, but the two years I've lived on my own have, if nothing else, served to ready me for co-habitation. I think I'm ready. I'm more than ready to stop having this stupid commuter lifestyle, continually planning half-a-week in advance, to make sure I have the appropriate lessons/work clothes/food at any given time. As much as it will be sad to have to start over again with Ism (or partially restart with some new member) it is really a huge blessing to be able just take over Dan and Sundi's place. For those of you who've visited, it's more than twice the size of mine, with a normal and fully functional kitchen, a toilet with NO shit-shelf, and a separate bedroom, which is about as large as my current flat. Oh joy. But in the end, what it really means is that I'm jumping into this. There's no sense in waiting any longer to see if it works, because it obviously does work, and consequently, I'm not afraid of some negative result from it. I realize this journal has become the bare minimum of thoughts and updates. No more poetry, but the past two years in this city have been a real undoing, and a huge learning experience. It will be ages til it's all fully processed. Thinking about the recording, too. I know that these songs will continue, and will live, and whether they are heard by 50 people or 5000, I know at least that they're worth hearing. I guess I just feel like it doesn't matter so much anymore. Of course I'd like to be heard, I'd like to be immortal in my songs (what artist doesn't?), but I know the chances of that are so slim. At this point, I'm happy to have Jakub continuing with me, and looking forward to the next chapter. If this band can grow at the pace it needs to grow at, and if we can use the music as a vehicle to see new places and to meet new people, and if someone hears it, well, that's all I can ask of it, or expect from it. Anything more would be a pleasant surprise. By the way, I've recently become obsessed with the Kills. We're talking about possibly playing a bit as a two-piece, and I'm always interested in how two people can make a full and interesting sound. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
7:27 pm	pain in the neck Not to complain, but this recording may kill me. Have been fighting off a sickness for a couple of weeks (I'm told this the downside to working with kids) but managed to stay it off. Unfortunately, this past weekend was essentially work, what with the setting up (we decorated the guy's loft with futons hung over all the beams and other sound buffers on the ceilings etc) and then the ten hour day we put in Saturday. We did end up getting rough versions of six songs down, rather than the four we'd planned on, but now the end of the project is exponentially further away as we start the vocals later, and the guitar overdubs and then the mixing. So I'm making my throat as passable as it's gonna get by drinking honeyed tea, and trying to get in the mood for some more work. I know in the end, it's going to be worth it. Anyway, Katie and I are less than two months from moving in, which also means we're less than two months from losing our dear bassist and friend Sundi, not to mention our second guitarist, her husband Daniel. But, their flat is really nice, and because we don't have to move somewhere completely new, we'll take all their extra furniture, be able to relax moving in, and for me, it'll actually be a bit of a cheaper living situation, which should offset the summer work here, not to mention the unplanned trip to London. So my visa has been long in process. So long, in fact, that I've technically overstayed my welcome here, again. Unfortunately, Czech has joined the EU since I've been here, and all of the laws are in the process of becoming stupidly complicated right now. Basically, it's not my fault, but I'm actually trying to do the up and up thing here, and everyone ELSE's procrastination is screwing me. In the end, I told my boss I'd go further than Germany if they're willing to take me. The closest place out of Shengen is either Croatia or London, and I was actually promised a London weekend a year ago, so we're going. In the end, we'll have a place to stay, cutting out a huge portion of the expense, and Katie's friends to hang out with, and lots of exciting and free museums to visit. I'm only minorly fretting over all of it, and that's mostly due to the upcoming summer holiday, with it's lack of work combined with visiting the US. We'll work it out... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 14th, 2008
9:25 am	too long; crocuses up Winter is good for hibernating, for becoming embedded in projects, work, love. I forget to pop my head out come March, and wish to stay in my cosy little nest, on my cosy little trams, in my cosy little busy, but before I know it, the nights compress, the mornings come earlier, I have to shed my shell. I don't know what kind of fruit to be, but something that needs peeling... Sorry for all the gaps. My new computer is still, frustratingly, not functioning. With a flash drive, I can do stuff at home (offline) and take it to an internet cafe, but that means I'm still out of the world of all that good stuff 97% of the time. I must have faith that at some point I will be able to say "Ha Ha Ha. Windows Vista can bite my ass. I have Ubuntu." But not yet. February was the most intense work month I've had in ages. My side jobs (private lessons and editing) paid my rent. That means that I'm actually saving money for the summer, which is good and early and should enable fun trips and denecessitate (that's not really a word) working a summer camp (unless it looks really good/fun). It's just easier to be crazy busy than it is to succomb to the seasonal slump. We're still going to be moving in together, probably in June, me and Katie, and coming to DC/Pgh for a chunk of July, so keep me posted as to your plans, so we can meet up. Next month, recording Ism! (Comment on this)
Monday, January 21st, 2008
8:27 pm	end of the world Well, obviously, time marches on, but Saturday night was the best show Ism's ever played, and the best show I've ever organized. I was seriously nervous about all of it; I don't like promoting much, and I had a hard time finding bands, and my bandmates seem to be really busy getting degrees lately so we've had little time to practice. In the end, I got a handful of people to do short (5 song) sets, and it worked like a charm. By the time we went on (last, and a full set) the crowd was really warmed up, lubricated, and having a good time, despite the very young and naive soundman. I was so stressed about the show that I simply forgot to be nervous about playing. By the end of the first song, we had everyone's attention; they were dancing, singing along (the few who knew) and hooting afterwards. I just sucked up the energy and we blasted out about 9 songs (cutting a slow one) and left too soon rather than too late. I was all kinds of high off that set. It's just performing. I love it, am addicted to it, but when it gels like that, I am reminded that all my stupid doubts and all the social isms that drag a "scene" down and all of the bullshit are just that. So that's that. Also, got a computer, a new Acer without Windows. It doesn't yet work for me, but Katie is babysitting it while I'm in the mountains (ski camp with school) so by the time I return, it should be fully functional and might even have my stuff from her computer on it. Yay! (1 Comment |Comment on this)